I really like the crescendo of the first few lines. The solo crow seems to interrupt the crescendo of "the birds" for me. If you skipped that line altogether and went from "birds" to "because the wind", it would (in my personal, sound-dominated opinion) better make the transition to the different structure of the second half of the poem.
(I do like the image of the last phrase - that vibrant post-rain green is a color I've tried to capture many times; you've done it better here.)
I really like this, I like the mysterious quality of it. I hear in the poem a voice speaking from deep within somewhere. As though the physical senses are speaking directly, in their own voice.
In the last four lines of the draft this seems (to my ear) to change a little, as though the rational explaining mind decided to step in and bring the poem back into civilization.
It's your poem, of course, and can't say with any authority what you intend. I think the bump I run into has to do with how the last four lines seem, to me, to move more toward standard speech sentence rhythm, after most of the poem which feels like something other than standard speech.
I did play with the last four lines just a little, taking out a couple of words, changing the punctuation in a couple of places, and imagined something like the following:
When I went tromping in the woods. Late into the evening. The storm had passed and everything green, so green, so green.
My inadequate venture into it. For what it's worth. I really do like the poem.
4 comments:
I really like the crescendo of the first few lines. The solo crow seems to interrupt the crescendo of "the birds" for me. If you skipped that line altogether and went from "birds" to "because the wind", it would (in my personal, sound-dominated opinion) better make the transition to the different structure of the second half of the poem.
(I do like the image of the last phrase - that vibrant post-rain green is a color I've tried to capture many times; you've done it better here.)
Hope that makes sense! Well done!
I really like this, I like the mysterious quality of it. I hear in the poem a voice speaking from deep within somewhere. As though the physical senses are speaking directly, in their own voice.
In the last four lines of the draft this seems (to my ear) to change a little, as though the rational explaining mind decided to step in and bring the poem back into civilization.
It's your poem, of course, and can't say with any authority what you intend. I think the bump I run into has to do with how the last four lines seem, to me, to move more toward standard speech sentence rhythm, after most of the poem which feels like something other than standard speech.
I did play with the last four lines just a little, taking out a couple of words, changing the punctuation in a couple of places, and imagined something like the following:
When I went tromping in the woods.
Late into the evening.
The storm had passed and everything
green, so green, so green.
My inadequate venture into it. For what it's worth. I really do like the poem.
I agree with both David and Lyle. A very lovely first draft, but I do lose some rhythm in that transition David mentioned.
David, Lyle, Collin - thanks! I'll play with it. :)
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