Saturday, April 09, 2005

Palm

Trying to decide whether this one goes in the chapbook ms. or not... leaning towards not.

Palm

[deleted 04-12-2005; if you missed it & want to see it, comment here]

4 comments:

Emily Lloyd said...

Re: your earlier post, I think Landlocked Luck rocks.

I think the last 2 stanzas of this poem are perfect, a go for inclusion. The first a bit wordy, over-explanatory, perhaps? I might start off

I help him settle
himself on my lap

to keep it tighter, as I think the second 2 stanzas are. Really lovely.

Anne said...

Thanks, Em! I think you're right about the first stanza of the poem -- I'll play with it and see what happens.

I am still up in the air about the chapbook title. Most of what I've come up with applies to the first section and not really to the second. Grr. Maybe I'll just call it "This Chapbook Goes To Eleven."

A. D. said...

Hey Anne-
Though I'm allergic to cats, I can dig it.

Like what Em said about the first stanza, I think you lose the opportunity to include some fresh descriptors. Could you invest more of an image into the way the cat settles, other than 'gently' that is? Could the cataracts do something other than 'cloud' his eyes? Could his 'joints' be something other than 'aching'? Or perhaps keep 'aching' and use something other than 'joints'.

Humble suggestions of course.

Anne said...

A.D., thanks -- good suggestions! Less talk, more image. Always good advice. :)