Monday, April 11, 2005

a very rough draft

Li-Young Lee's reading tonight was ... odd. I'll leave it at that for now, except to say that I think he was trying to read us poems that he has not written yet.

However, it spawned a new poem for me. This is as rough as a rough draft gets; comments are welcome, but bear in mind I haven't really had a chance to read it myself yet! :)

The Problem of Birds

[deleted; if you missed it and would like to see it, comment here or backchannel me]


jenni said...

--this is awesome, Anne. I really like it. I wouldn't fuck with it too much.

Pamela said...

I think it is awesome, too, but I would screw with it a little.

Take this for what it is worth--but here are my suggestions--they are all stanzaic, and they are all short.

I really think the first line of the poem needs to be the title--then set the rest of the poem up in triads. The tension between the bird/the "he" and the "I" would be accentuated; you come up with some really interesting stanza breaks that way; and, most important to me, your last line is just set free, strong enough to fly on its own (pun intended).

Thanks for letting us see this in such an early stage of your process.


Emily Lloyd said...

I'm with Jenni--if I edited a magazine, and this came in, I'd probably take it on the spot. I wish my rough drafts were this strong!

Emily Lloyd said...

Oh, wait, PS--now that I've read Pamela's suggestions closely, I do think she's onto something...the first line would make a great title, the triads would add some interest. Right on.

Anne said...

Thanks, guys! Mmmmm, the triad idea is interesting -- it might move the poem along a little faster. I'll play with that.

A. D. said...

C'mon, I wanna know what was 'odd' about the reading. :p

Jill said...

great poem. i think this has a free wheeling kinda freedom in it.